


Not like in the books

by Transistance



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: F/M, Late Night Conversations, Non-Explicit Sex, One Night Stands, Requited Love, lithromantic character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:11:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transistance/pseuds/Transistance
Summary: Grell has never been rejected by a partner - unfortunately she has never managed to hold onto her love for one once it becomes requited, either.





	Not like in the books

**Author's Note:**

> Lithromantic: an aro-spec orientation in which the person has feelings for others but does not want them reciprocated. Often can be a person who desires a romantic relationship in theory but loses interest in practice.
> 
> I'm not lithro, just felt that it would be a decent angle on Grell, so if I've done anything that reads incorrectly or just badly please tell me and I'll fix it. Hopefully it's okay!

“You know,” he said softly in the lingering moments where she still loved him, “You really are beautiful.”

It was as simple as that. Grell closed her eyes and tried desperately to cling onto what she had had – any vestige of it, even the tiniest fragment to remind her of how she had felt – but he had ruined it, and it was too late. “Thank you,” she said, trying not to sound wretched. He would not understand if she explained herself now and he would not understand when she left him in the morning, as abruptly as she had every other lover.

He wouldn't understand because she didn't understand.

Every man was the same; she burned through them like paper dolls, the night's flirtation fine until they reciprocated her feelings. Sometimes she could sleep with them more than once, last in careful bliss for a week or two (had managed a month, once) – but inevitably they fell apart, due less to his rejection of her and more her mounting and reasonless disinterest. 

It wasn't that Grell didn't feel – oh, how she felt! Limerence overcame her in waves, the light of a man catching her and sending her spinning adrift in his wake as she got to know him, began to understand him, fell into want again and again... Such a haze could hold her entangled for days, months, decades until the man came round to her point of view. It wasn't like in the books – because she loved him, every time she loved him, she loved him... until suddenly she didn't.

And then each shadow of a man that she had had in was cast behind her, and she never quite felt like looking back.

She wanted to love. Grell wanted more than anything to feel that connection; for her desire to take the test of time and fly through to hold another being more than just once. She wanted to be loved, and when that came to fruition be able to enjoy it for more than five minutes! Was that too much to ask?

Apparently. It was also too much to ask that she second-guess herself and not fall for people who she shouldn't – and whilst usually this meant officials and supervisors, today it meant her junior.

It had started out as a joke about his promiscuity, but they had both laughed too much and been too close and somehow, somewhere along the line, it had stopped being a joke and Ronald had realized that he could be attracted to more than one kind of woman even as her hand had found his belt and he had pushed her down onto the bed and taken her with as much enthusiasm as anyone ever had.

That had all been fine until the high had faded and she had been left lying with his hot skin against hers, his hands clammy in her hair and on her back, his breath soft against her face – fine until he had breathed, “I didn't think I could ever do that with you – but _God_ , Grell, I'd choose you over a lot of the ladies in the department any day,” at which point she had turned away. The night had fallen down around her and her throat was full of water, because there were too many ways to express love and suddenly she didn't want him to be touching her; didn't want him to be anywhere near her. 

_Don't cry don't cry don't cry,_ she begged herself, but the wretched ambience of the room was choking her; the man that she could no longer love was far too close. Close enough to see her in spite of his glasses being on the bedside table rather than his face. “Grell – are you okay?”

Bless his concern; she almost hated him for it. “I'm- fine. I'm fine, Ronnie, hush.”

“You don't look it...” He was squinting at her, sleepily worried now, pale eyebrows half hooding his bright eyes. “Sorry, I didn't do something wrong, right? Did I?”

“No!” She put a hand to her eyes, rubbed them aggressively; it didn't help. “No, Ronnie, you were perfect.”

“Then why're you upset?” He reached over slowly and took her hand, stopping the rubbing. It was clear that he was fumbling slightly without his glasses, and she was grateful for it. 

“Nothing you can help.” The truth came out in a long sigh; the opening of a bottle that had been left to ferment wholly. “I always get like this, you see – every night I spend in a lover's arms my heart curls in upon itself, blackens, becomes again the husk I am known to hold. I feel so much, a flare through my being, as we come together... and then only void as we fall apart.” She rolled over abruptly, turning away from him as if to escape, but failed to create any distance between them. “I have such intense, immense feelings upon falling for someone..! Only to feel nothing at all upon consummation of those feelings.” She pulled her legs further toward her chest, and felt Ronald lean his head against the back of hers.

“'s okay, Grell,” he said. “No skin off my back if you don't want to do this again.”

Something settled in her chest – not quite a sinking feeling, but more deflation. “...Thank you, Ronnie.”

“Maybe 's why you like the boss so much,” Ronald murmured, shifting slightly to gain comfort now that he was certain Grell wasn't hurt. For her part she only felt relief that he had not been annoyed in any way. “You could go after him forever, because you know he doesn't have a heart to reciprocate with.”

“Maybe,” she agreed softly. His breaths were soft on the back of her neck, all too intimate, but she hadn't lost another friend. That was all that mattered here. “Maybe I'll chase him forever in pursuit of love intangible.”

Ronald mumbled something into the back of her head, unintelligible now, and when she did find the need to turn to face him he had already passed gently into sleep. His face was sweet and exhausted, not quite a stranger nor estranged, and for the first time Grell didn't find regret hollowing her in place of affection. Maybe he was right; about her and Will and her attractions.

Maybe she could make her peace with this.


End file.
